This may come as a surprise to some of you (because social media only shows the ‘highlight reel’ of our lives) but I have had some hard days lately, and specifically today. Recently I have found myself stressed, scared, upset, worried, sad, angry, you name it. All the emotions that are normal during pregnancy, but times 10. While I know my problems don’t even compare to what some of the world is facing (hunger, death, poverty, etc), I have found myself really struggling with some things. I was in over my head and needed to be rescued.
Let me just briefly lay out these “things” for you…
»I’ve been researching and reading like crazy to get prepared for the rest of my pregnancy, labor & delivery, and life after Creighton’s arrival. I am terrified. So many questions I have… Will I know what to do during labor? Is it going to hurt? (yes it’s going to hurt very bad) Can I take the pain? Will I know how and when to feed my baby? Will we have everything we need? Am I going to be a good mom? So many questions & concerns run through my head daily..
»Speaking of labor & delivery, let’s not get started on the bill… I don’t even want to elaborate because it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. So there’s that..
»A very small portion of my stress is from trying to plan a couple trips, for Adam’s birthday/our anniversary/babymoon. I have been dreaming of going to some place tropical since our honeymoon in May. All I have to say is Zika Virus, I hate you, you have ruined everything. And also, why are hotels SO expensive?!
»Part of my sadness lately has come from missing my family, like more than I can even describe. Yes I have lived in Kershaw for 10 months now, but missing them gets worse by the month. Yes I understand that some families live in completely different countries. But that’s them and this is me. Me who used to see her mom, brother, sister, and niece and nephew every single day and everyone at the Creighton Compound at least every other weekend if not more. I didn’t want to go away to college, I wanted to be around my family as much as I could. I spent almost all of my free time from work and school at my sisters house (we lived in the same neighborhood). I was there through my sister’s entire pregnancy with both Matti and Colt. And now it’s my turn to have a baby, and it makes me miss my family so much more. I want my sisters and mom to be here through the entire process, and it breaks my heart that they aren’t. Yes I’m 25 years old and married and most of you probably think I should get over it. And that’s okay because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, right?
»Now add my lack of sleep. Go ahead all you mommies and say “you won’t sleep the same ever again”. If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a million times, and if I hear it again I just might go insane. I have an amazing pregnancy pillow that has helped. But as my bump grows, my bladder continues to stay full, and my sciatic nerve continues to kill me (been a problem since before pregnancy), sleeping is just so painful and I know will only get worse. Which has probably caused most of the stress and anger lately (ask my husband).
»And finally, the icing on the cake, the “thing” that tipped me over the edge today was a huge frustration with student loans and tax refunds. Don’t even get me started…
So while these problems may seem small to some people or some of you might think that I am overreacting, I am human. And a pregnant human, at that. I had a breakdown today. A serious breakdown. I wanted to call every doctor, mommy expert, hotel, family member, chiropractor, government official, university loan department… I was thinking of every person I could call to get some answers to my problems and some healing in that moment. I was sitting there crying, frustrated, upset, and angry wanting to speak with every person I could.
But I was forgetting the one call that would fix every ounce of stress, anger, worry, fear, and sadness. I was forgetting my ultimate healer, my master problem solver. I was forgetting to call on my Savior. So I closed my eyes and called on Him. I needed help in this battle. I was in over my head. I wanted Satan to quit making me feel these negative things, and instead see the good in this season of my life. After all, this was supposed to be a very exciting time for Adam and me.
God knows you and will give you exactly what you need for the season you’re in (Ecclesiastes 3). God knew exactly what I needed in that moment. And in that moment, shortly after I called upon the Lord, I felt Creighton kick for the first time. I can’t even begin to describe what that moment felt like for me. God is so good. I had a breakdown from all of these emotions, from things that will be fixed (maybe not now, but soon). And feeling this miracle moving in my stomach, this creation only God could create, every worry was forgotten. Oh the power of prayer. Ever since that first kick this afternoon, I have felt him all day. And tonight, as I am sitting in bed typing, Adam and I saw my stomach move once. I don’t even know if it’s time for that yet, but it happened. And it happened exactly when I needed it.
So today, after breaking down from all the emotions that had been built up, God rescued me. He rescued me in that moment. And if you trust in Him, He can rescue you in the season that you’re in. Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:17-18
You may go through times in life where you feel scared, broken, unloved, stressed, etc. Maybe you are having financial problems, or suffering with the loss of a loved one. Whatever it may be, God is fighting for you whether you feel it or not. Am I saying that feeling Creighton kick helped my sleeping problems, financial stress, or student loan issues? No.. What I am saying is that God will restore your soul, bind up your brokenness, comfort your afflictions, console your concerns, answer your cries, renew your strength, and fill your heart with greater joy. Praise Him. Praise isn’t always easy. But He is so worthy of our praise. He knows exactly what you need. Don’t let Satan win your battle.
I spent some time outside before church tonight (wow, what a beautiful day it was). I felt led to read Psalm 59:16-17 and couldn’t help but think of this song by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard it, look it up. And then praise Him.
Even when the fight seems lost
I ‘ l l p r a i s e Y o u
Even when it hurts like hell
I ‘ l l p r a i s e Y o u
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I ‘ l l s i n g Y o u r p r a i s e.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34